Our friends that I've talked about in previous posts had their baby last night. I am happy for them, but it's hard to be super excited. Especially for them, since it's exactly where we should be. I've been having such a hard time with it. They've had it soooo easy. Ughh. I hate how IF brings this bad attitude. My husband is really the only one who knows how I feel about this (and you guys)...I try to be as friendly as I can be with our friends.
We are friends with this couple more because it's my hubby's friend. I like the wife "jane", shes's a very sweet person... but she's a stay at home mom and when we're together it seems like all we talk about is our kids. Normally, that's fine, but she doesn't have a whole lot going on. I work, I do IVF, I have tons more going on than she does. I just feel like we can't relate right now. and the last thing I want to go over there and do is talk about her kids, especially the new baby. I do miss hanging out with them, and I feel so guilty I have avoided them. I know we would have been hanging out with them more if it wasn't for me and my attitude. I do feel terrible about that. My husband reminded me that life is short and I need to cherish each moment. I know he is right, but easier said than done.
DH is mad at me about my attitude this morning. (I said I didn't want to go over there to visit the baby) It's true I should have a better attitude, I just can't shake it. I hate being fake and that's just how I am going to have to be when we go over there and visit this week. I wish I didn't have to go. But I guess I can't avoid them for forever....I might as well get it over with. Maybe it's just the whole anticipation of the event, and it won't be as bad as I thought. Hoping we don't stay long, just say hello and drop off a meal.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Why even ask?
I find it so annoying when friends ask me how I am doing via email and don't respond back. These aren't super close friends, but I've had a handful of friends checking in to see how things are going... I respond back letting them know we've had two miscarriages and that we will be going to CO for IVF. I haven't gotten a response from at least three of them. Why even ask????
Ughh. They could at least write back saying something like "I am so sorry for your loss... You're in our thoughts and prayers". If I had good news I think they all would have wrote back. I hate how IF brings these awkward situations. One girl that didn't respond back I met online thru a thread for my local clinic. I had cycled there before and had success and was back on the threads since we were TTC #2. This girl was TTC for her first. Her first cycle failed. I supported her and we exchanged emails. We would talk a lot and were planning on meeting in person. Her second cycle was a BFP. I got pregnant shortly after and lost the pregnancy. She was supportive. We didn't talk for a while and I went on and did a new fresh cycle. She checked in on me later on and I told her about my BFN and she's never responded back. I know we weren't best friend's or anything- but why ask??? It hurts.
Another friend of mine, actually a pretty good friend. She lives 10 hrs away, we're friends from high school. She was a bridesmaid in our wedding. We keep in touch mostly by email. We hadn't talked in a while and she wrote me to see how things are going with IVF,etc. I responded back with the miscarriage news,etc. No response!!!
It really hurts. don't go on facebook anymore, it's just too hurtful. I know these people care about me and maybe they just don't know what to say but the silence is worse.
Ughh. They could at least write back saying something like "I am so sorry for your loss... You're in our thoughts and prayers". If I had good news I think they all would have wrote back. I hate how IF brings these awkward situations. One girl that didn't respond back I met online thru a thread for my local clinic. I had cycled there before and had success and was back on the threads since we were TTC #2. This girl was TTC for her first. Her first cycle failed. I supported her and we exchanged emails. We would talk a lot and were planning on meeting in person. Her second cycle was a BFP. I got pregnant shortly after and lost the pregnancy. She was supportive. We didn't talk for a while and I went on and did a new fresh cycle. She checked in on me later on and I told her about my BFN and she's never responded back. I know we weren't best friend's or anything- but why ask??? It hurts.
Another friend of mine, actually a pretty good friend. She lives 10 hrs away, we're friends from high school. She was a bridesmaid in our wedding. We keep in touch mostly by email. We hadn't talked in a while and she wrote me to see how things are going with IVF,etc. I responded back with the miscarriage news,etc. No response!!!
It really hurts. don't go on facebook anymore, it's just too hurtful. I know these people care about me and maybe they just don't know what to say but the silence is worse.
Friday, June 11, 2010
CCS
I think CCS has sooo many advantages. I am so thankful for this new technology. But I am so nervous that we won't have any blasts or very few. Or they won't be that great of quality. Sounds like you have to decide by day 2 report if you want to go forward with the testing. We may have an idea- but won't know the quality and number of blasts....there's a lot of money on the line. We already wasted $3000 + on PGD that failed! I find myself thinking about this so often. Why not do a fresh transfer and stop worrying about this? and not putting an expectation to make so many blasts? Here's my list so far for the advantages/disadvatages of CCS testing:
Advantages to CGH:
1)Transfer "normal" embryos with the best chance for implantation- success rates high!
2)Avoid a BFN of abnormals (and IF have frozens have to pay for an FET)
3)Avoid miscarriage of abnormal (I've been thru 2 miscarriages and d&c's already)
4)FET transfer easier on immune system
5)Comfort of being pregnant with "normals" less worry about miscarriage
6)If we have the bonus of extra frozen "normals" we will know the status of these embryos and know if it is worthwhile to go back for them and take advantage of all listed above for a sibling
7)If we have no "normals" it will make sense to move on and be done with IVF
Disadvantages:
1)COST!! ($6,850!!!!)
2)the wait (but may not actually be disadvantage-sounds like FETs may be better anyway)
3)chance of error or damage to the embryo (although may be very small there must be a very small chance this could happen)
4)Won't have extra money to possibly try again (maybe a change in protocol would yield more eggs or better quality) or use toward adoption or donor,etc. I know my husband won't let us spend more!!
Let me know if any of you can think of any other advantages/disadvantages. What are your opinions on CCS?
Advantages to CGH:
1)Transfer "normal" embryos with the best chance for implantation- success rates high!
2)Avoid a BFN of abnormals (and IF have frozens have to pay for an FET)
3)Avoid miscarriage of abnormal (I've been thru 2 miscarriages and d&c's already)
4)FET transfer easier on immune system
5)Comfort of being pregnant with "normals" less worry about miscarriage
6)If we have the bonus of extra frozen "normals" we will know the status of these embryos and know if it is worthwhile to go back for them and take advantage of all listed above for a sibling
7)If we have no "normals" it will make sense to move on and be done with IVF
Disadvantages:
1)COST!! ($6,850!!!!)
2)the wait (but may not actually be disadvantage-sounds like FETs may be better anyway)
3)chance of error or damage to the embryo (although may be very small there must be a very small chance this could happen)
4)Won't have extra money to possibly try again (maybe a change in protocol would yield more eggs or better quality) or use toward adoption or donor,etc. I know my husband won't let us spend more!!
Let me know if any of you can think of any other advantages/disadvantages. What are your opinions on CCS?
Monday, June 7, 2010
Keeping busy and gettin in shape
I am trying to keep busy while I wait, wait, wait!! My goal is to get in shape these next couple months. Finally, went back to the gym (it had been three months- stopped just before stims on my last IVF cycle). I love the pilates instructor at my gym, she is works you hard! It feels so good to get a good work out! It's been difficult this last year with 2 miscarriages and 2 d&c's and another IVF...I haven't gotten any consistency with exercise, ughh!
Also keeping the weekends busy, just about every weekend is booked to have something to look forward to and help the time go by. I work every other weekend- so half the weekends are already taken up. On my next weekend off I planned a trip to San Diego to visit the in-laws and see their new home they just finished building. In early July for the holiday we will go to Orange County to visit my family for about 4 days. Mid July we'll probably head out to our friend's Lake House for the weekend. Then it's almost time for CO!
Also keeping the weekends busy, just about every weekend is booked to have something to look forward to and help the time go by. I work every other weekend- so half the weekends are already taken up. On my next weekend off I planned a trip to San Diego to visit the in-laws and see their new home they just finished building. In early July for the holiday we will go to Orange County to visit my family for about 4 days. Mid July we'll probably head out to our friend's Lake House for the weekend. Then it's almost time for CO!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Wait, wait, wait
Ughh. The waiting is starting to get to me. Still 2 months to go until we go to Colorado.
I emailed the nurse over a week ago to be sure she got my fax and that the items I faxed over are correct... but no response what so ever. I am a little disapointed so far in the response time of the nurse. None of my issues have been urgent so I am giving her the benefit of the doubt, but I hope while I am in cycle that I get quicker responses. At the ODWU my nurse said she prefers the phone over email....but for me I prefer email over phone. It seems so much easier to talk by email. I guess I will call her on Monday. I hope my AF comes next weekend (oh- unless I am miraculously pregnant!) I am ready to get that day 3 bloodwork sent and regroup with Dr Sch. And it will be very nice to have a calendar and start planning for our trip to CO. For now, wait, wait, wait....
I emailed the nurse over a week ago to be sure she got my fax and that the items I faxed over are correct... but no response what so ever. I am a little disapointed so far in the response time of the nurse. None of my issues have been urgent so I am giving her the benefit of the doubt, but I hope while I am in cycle that I get quicker responses. At the ODWU my nurse said she prefers the phone over email....but for me I prefer email over phone. It seems so much easier to talk by email. I guess I will call her on Monday. I hope my AF comes next weekend (oh- unless I am miraculously pregnant!) I am ready to get that day 3 bloodwork sent and regroup with Dr Sch. And it will be very nice to have a calendar and start planning for our trip to CO. For now, wait, wait, wait....
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
I feel like a jerk
Ughh. Tonight my husband was asking me if I want to hang out with some good friends of ours this weekend (I will call them Jane and Doug). I have been avoiding these friends for a while now- she's pregnant with their second child. For me, I find it most difficult to hang out with pregnant friends/people who are where we should be...having our second child.
We became pregnant last summer (from our frozen embies) and Jane and Doug had just begun trying to conceive. Jane and I would talk a lot about our excitement about having another child and hoped our seconds would be close in age like our firsts are. We ended up miscarrying and not too long after (after about 3 months total of trying) Jane and Doug were pregnant. Oh well...I was hopeful we'd be pregnant again soon. We were just beginning a new fresh cycle and I thought for sure I'd be just right behind them. We did get a BFP from that fresh cycle and saw the heartbeat at 7wks. Jane and I talked about being pregnant together and we were all so excited.... but just a week later we lost the pregnancy.
Of course, for them everything has been perfect with the pregnancy. I have been avoiding them and I feel like a jerk. I just feel terrible. I kept thinking- "oh, I'll be pregnant too soon and then we can all hang out" but since then we've had yet another BFN and it's just so hard. I feel so awful for avoiding people and isolating ourselves. It's not fair to my husband who loves to hang out with his friends or my son who would play with their daughter.
Jane is due to give birth this month. I am just not in the mood to go over there and put on a fake smile. See her big belly and the interaction with her daughter and her belly, etc. I want my son to have a sibling so badly. I don't know what I am going to do when she finally has the baby. Am I wrong to be like this? I feel like a such terrible person.
We became pregnant last summer (from our frozen embies) and Jane and Doug had just begun trying to conceive. Jane and I would talk a lot about our excitement about having another child and hoped our seconds would be close in age like our firsts are. We ended up miscarrying and not too long after (after about 3 months total of trying) Jane and Doug were pregnant. Oh well...I was hopeful we'd be pregnant again soon. We were just beginning a new fresh cycle and I thought for sure I'd be just right behind them. We did get a BFP from that fresh cycle and saw the heartbeat at 7wks. Jane and I talked about being pregnant together and we were all so excited.... but just a week later we lost the pregnancy.
Of course, for them everything has been perfect with the pregnancy. I have been avoiding them and I feel like a jerk. I just feel terrible. I kept thinking- "oh, I'll be pregnant too soon and then we can all hang out" but since then we've had yet another BFN and it's just so hard. I feel so awful for avoiding people and isolating ourselves. It's not fair to my husband who loves to hang out with his friends or my son who would play with their daughter.
Jane is due to give birth this month. I am just not in the mood to go over there and put on a fake smile. See her big belly and the interaction with her daughter and her belly, etc. I want my son to have a sibling so badly. I don't know what I am going to do when she finally has the baby. Am I wrong to be like this? I feel like a such terrible person.
Nothing new...
Nothing new going on for me yet. Lots of thoughts going thru my head almost constantly about my upcoming cycle. What protocol will I be on? How many eggs will we get? Will our fertilization rates improve? Will our embryos grow well? Will we have enough for CGH/MA testing? I keep thinking of different scenarios that could happen...good and bad. It can consume my thoughts. I am trying to keep busy, be healthy and stay positive.
I think I detected my surge last week so AF should be coming in 10 days or so. Anxious to get the day 3 bloodwork shipped out and find out the results. I am so curious to talk with Dr Sch about all of my results and the plan/protocol for us. I am nervous to hear that he will put me on the same protocol as my last long lupron. I've always responded well with the long lupron but my last long lupron cycle 17 eggs were retrieved (very happy with) but only 12 were mature!! and normally 12 would be ok but we had bad fertilization that time and only had 5 fertilize!! Ughh! I hope something like that doesn't happen at CCRM. I don't think Dr Sch will put me on the MDL since he thought it was too aggressive for me (we got 27 eggs on MDL). It's true, we are looking for quality not quantity...I just rather not be walking on egg shells with just barely enough eggs/embryos...it's just soo nerve racking! We've had as bad as 30% fertilization rates and as good as 60% so we need every egg we can get. But maybe our fertilization will be better at CCRM with the IMSI procedure, lab and embryologists.. I hope so!!
I think I detected my surge last week so AF should be coming in 10 days or so. Anxious to get the day 3 bloodwork shipped out and find out the results. I am so curious to talk with Dr Sch about all of my results and the plan/protocol for us. I am nervous to hear that he will put me on the same protocol as my last long lupron. I've always responded well with the long lupron but my last long lupron cycle 17 eggs were retrieved (very happy with) but only 12 were mature!! and normally 12 would be ok but we had bad fertilization that time and only had 5 fertilize!! Ughh! I hope something like that doesn't happen at CCRM. I don't think Dr Sch will put me on the MDL since he thought it was too aggressive for me (we got 27 eggs on MDL). It's true, we are looking for quality not quantity...I just rather not be walking on egg shells with just barely enough eggs/embryos...it's just soo nerve racking! We've had as bad as 30% fertilization rates and as good as 60% so we need every egg we can get. But maybe our fertilization will be better at CCRM with the IMSI procedure, lab and embryologists.. I hope so!!
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